So we moved into this house on June 1, 2009. This big square mustard colored house of light sits under Mt. Philo and it's our light rehab. I realized while taking a bath in our gynormous master bath that I'd not seen the skin on my legs and arms in full sunlight in years. It made me cry and thank God that we'd come here. I felt then like we'd escaped from some dark cave that we'd been in for so long that we forgot it was dark and we forgot it was a cave. Thank you light, thank you mustard house, thank you giant bathtub.
I just kept thinking that we were in a vacation house and that at some point our vacation would be over & we'd go "home" to NYC where we belong. Then I'd remind myself that this is our "new home" and that we are staying here and that this is where we belong. My brain still doesn't totally get that.
I realized in & around Aug. that I was experiencing some post partum depression. I started doing fight or flight type things like packing the kids into the car like it was an emergency and driving to the mall. Then we were standing there in the middle of the mall & I would kind of come out of my weird delirum and think "woa, why are we in the mall right now....what was I just thinking?" I also would see (in my mind) scary deadish sci fi guys in our yard at night....you know, like glowing eyes guys with weird skin in black suits kind of guys. They would be just looking at me & kind of right into me. So scary. And once, I got super freaked out at night & maggies fingers were like little claws and Sunny was freaking me out like a little possessed guy or something. That was the night that I put the two of them in bed with me & just staying in there with them until it was the next morning. Then another time I was making something to bring to the weekly CSA potluck at "Pizza On Earth" and in a wild frenzie I somehow got confused and thought I was cooking for 20. I cooked enough pasta with creamy italian sausage & sage sauce for literally 20 people & to top it all off, for some reason I put the sauce in the blender which made it just over the top weird 'cause then it was like a sausage & sage smoothie. so totally weird. When we finally got to the potluck I was so tripped out and kind of in shock from my hysterical cooking but thankfully we all just started making jokes about it & although no one actually ate the pasta I didn't end up feeling weird the whole time.
Now, I just imagine my very own little light being on, in the center of my being and that takes care of the whole thing. mostly anyway.
I've had a very powerful thing going on with Hawks. They are flying across my path all the time & showing themselves to me at really intense moments. More on that later....I'm too tired now to keep writing but I'm so happy to have started. To be continued.....
